13
Aug
08

Branded.

Those who know me know that I’m not one to let the little things get to me.  I don’t typically overanalyze glib comments…  life is too short to worry if someone meant something else when they said, “you look very healthy today” (as an example).

I received an email the other day… it’s still giving me grief.  The word, “childless”, was used to describe me and I didn’t really think twice about it until reflecting upon the email later on.  Obviously, this is a factual statement.  Why should it bother me?

Well, first of all, being childless is not necessarily a “by choice” trademark, at least in my situation.  Would you describe a cancer patient as “diseased”?

Second, there is a negative connotation anytime the word “less” is used.  I can’t help but feel that in the eyes of my friend, I am somehow deficient.  Others MAY view my state of being as a “more” rather than “less” situation.  Perhaps “lifefull” or “freedomfull” are more choice words to use?

Lastly – and I think this is the most disappointing – I felt very alienated by that statement.  US “childfull” gals are on this side of the room.  Aren’t we cool and normal and great?  Oh! poor you on the other side of the room, so lonely with the other sad childless people.  Wait… I’m having flashbacks of Prom night!  

I have always hoped my true friends will remain real to me through good times, bad times, and all the changes and evolutions we all encounter in life.  Don’t get me wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that I will continue to value my friendship with this anonymous emailer.  My level of sensitivity is sky high these days and things that I would normally not think twice about, I’m second guessing.

Now I’m off to partake in one of those activities that only childless people can truly appreciate…

living my life for me.

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3 Responses to “Branded.”


  1. August 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    I can so releate to what you are writing. I attended a session on being childless at BlogHer, which was very healing for me. There were women who really wanted to have children but found that no matter how much they tried, it didn’t happen for them. One of them had just gone public about it in the media to change the labels. There were women who always knew they didn’t want children and found likeminded partners. And then there were women like me who always saw themselves as having children but choices and time have created another reality – and I am now branded as childless. I was a step mom in my last marriage and knew that I would have been a good mom had I had that experience.

    I have had to put up with some very hurtful comments by friends through the years. Most recently, a friend who was having a challenging time with their teenage kids told me she was jealous of me being single and not having to deal with kids. That stung. But we all have to find our inner strength to deal with people who are self-centred in their own reality. Just continue being the wonderful person you are and we’ll see what life will give us. I am just thankful to my health right now and I know in my heart that I will have many children in my life at some point. They many not be biological but I hope to work with many. Keep the faith! And thanks for this wonderful post.

    Hugs!

  2. 2 Lauren
    August 13, 2008 at 6:29 pm

    Hey sweetie!

    I have heard so many stories of women who have gone through what you are going through, and through miracles or modern science, there are many many wonderful success stories. I just know someday we’ll be talking about rember when you thought this would never happen while rocking your lil one to sleep. Just keep remembering that when there’s a will there’s a way!

    I know it’s got to be difficult, I truly truly understand. Although Aust is a wonderful kid, I always wanted at least one more, and over the years after watching one friend after another pop out baby after baby, I began to feel.. inadaquate. I began to get frustrated with myself, my husband, with everything. It even began to take away from the wonderful things that I do have in my life.

    I was so jealous of these “fertile” women and I would think I’m as good of a mother as those other women are… possibly even a better mom, and certainly more caring then some of the baby making machines that seemed to surround me, why was I not able to have another, when they seem to be shooting kids out like they were pop gun rounds?

    Life can be so unfair at times… Keep the faith and I know you will be an excellent mother when the time comes.

    P.S. Lucy and Beethoven think you are the greatest mommy in the world! and your adoring nephew loves you so much, he thinks of you as a second mom (just a lot cooler than me)

    Hugs!

  3. November 15, 2008 at 5:16 am

    I wanted to check back, because I actually was thinking about this. I wrote an email earlier to say thank you for the kudos, it really made me feel good through the whole day, on a day where I had rather stayed in bed:).

    I talked today with a friend about how people would make things about themselves, especially when they don’t feel good anyway. This brought me back to this post I’ve read yesterday. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, because it’s possible that you know already:). But we tend to forget those things. I really feel with you. Though I’m not going through the same experiences, but I know how it is when you have things in your life that you desire badly, but you can’t have at this moment, and it tends to drive you crazy once in a while, because it seems so unfair.

    Don’t make this about you (I hope this is the right phrase:). I was looking around on your blog. You’re a great woman. This is something you’re going through.

    YOU are not childless. You current circumstances are. YOU are not inadequate. Your body has some difficulties, as another body has other difficulties, so you’re somtimes feeling like that. But this says nothing about your character or you being a full and deserving woman.

    YOU, from what I read and see:) are intelligent, creative, funny, active, very kind, smart, special and very pretty.

    I hope you’llhave a relaxing weekend. I for sure will stop by again. You’re a pretty good writer. Take care:)


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