weight off my shoulders

I’m enjoying a new way of life I have adopted for myself.  Guess the best way to put it is to say, I am no longer “trying”.  

I am no longer worrying about the glass (or a few) of wine consumed last night (very fun concert, will post a review shortly).  No longer concerned that I’m eating the wrong foods that exacerbate my problem.  No longer stressing about whether I drank too much water, thus the ovulation kit may not work properly due to diluted urine concentration.

Freedom!  Life is good. 

I know that sometime in the very near future, I’m going to have to look deep inside and consider the bigger issue/circumstance I am faced with… can I truly accept a childless life?  I’m not ready to go there yet.

For now, pour me another glass of vino!

Epic weekend

Of an unusual type.  I had an epically (and I really am not in the mood to hear that epically is not a real word) bad weekend.

Let’s see…  where do I begin?

• Oh, fighting with my husband, never fun. 
• More bad news on the fertility front… followed with motherly inquisition on said topic.
• Lucy ate chicken bones on morning walkie, requiring us to take her to the ER (yep, there is an ER for pets)… icing on the cake: the $429 bill that accompanied that trip.
• Blew out my back rear tire.  Only positive is that due to above mentioned emergency, I did not drive into the city as originally planned (given the weekend I had, I surely would have blown my tire on the Bay Bridge)
• Had one of those conversations where the other party is only listening for your period.

Yep, a LOVELY weekend indeed.  And now it’s Monday….

Like an old friend.

Saturday morning was crazy – my cell phone fell out of my bag during morning walkie. Luckily a wonderful woman picked it up and emailed me to let me know she had found it on the trail. How lucky am I? All the chaos meant I had to rush around to make my 9am acupuncture appointment. Of course I had to drive to the city cause San Ramon was booked up… Of course my gas light came on halfway into the city so I had to stop for a fill-up. It is amazing I made it there at 9:02am.

The SF Harmony Acupuncture office is on Clement street, which is like a mini-Chinatown. All of the shops cater to the Chinese community… grocery stores with unidentifiable fruits and vegetables outside. Signs written in Chinese, etc.

I walked along Clement looking for the address, passing shabbily dressed, elderly Asians clutching bags of groceries. Echoing in the back of my mind were my mom’s words when I first told her I was doing acupuncture, “is the place clean?” (forehead crinkled with look of cringe on her face). I finally found the address: a nondescript brown door with a homemade sign that read, “Harmony Acupuncture.”

I walked up the stairs and immediately all of my anxiety disappeared. I was greeted by a smiling older Chinese man. You know those people who put you at ease the moment you meet them? I felt like I was seeing an old friend. He asked me to hold on, since he was checking out another patient. I overheard their hushed conversation. My Chinese man said to the woman, “if your period doesn’t come, make an appointment and we’ll try something else.” I SOO wanted to rush over and introduce myself to the gal and exchange contact details so we could become a fertility support network for each other. “I’m in the same position as you!” I thought to myself. Of course, I sat tight.

Finally the man introduced himself as Dr. Po-Lin Shyu, the master of the program. I felt somewhat honored to be in his presence. He whisked me into one of the patient rooms. It was a much more pleasant room compared to the rooms in San Ramon, painted pink with drapes on the window. The room was quite warm, which made me happy since I’m always on the cold side. Dr. Shyu asked me many questions, a very different experience from the very clinical, business-like practitioners at the San Ramon office.

When he “needled” me (the term they use), he tapped the location where the needle would go in just before inserting the needle… so I never felt the needle going in! Ok, well, except for the one that went in my right foot – there just ain’t a lot of flesh on my feet.

The 25 minute wait was not as boring and tedious as it was for me in San Ramon. Maybe it was the atmosphere, or maybe just my frame of mind. While waiting, every so often I’d hear a kitchen timer go off. Someone (I’m sure it was Dr. Shyu) would turn off the alarm then move to another room, presumably to help other clients. The background noise was a pleasant distraction for me.

Finally my alarm went off and the needles came out. Dr. Shyu informed me that the masseuse who was supposed to do my acupressure massage was stuck with a broken down car. He apologized and said he’d massage me for a little bit. He spent 10 minutes or so massaging my mid-section. Perfect! I wasn’t looking forward to a 60 minute acupressure massage anyways (see my post, “A different kind of massage” for more info).

When he was done, Dr. Shyu actually told me that everything seemed “really good” and that he felt no tight spots within my organs. YES! I SOO needed the positive feedback that what I’m doing is right.

He didn’t even charge me for the massage. I pretty much made the decision right then and there, to start seeing him going forward.

Guess I’ll be driving to the city more often…

Ads that are annoying me

KNBR (the sports radio station I listen to pretty much every waking hour) has started a new ad campaign for some fertility center in SF. I am finding these ads really obnoxious and annoying.

They are stories of different couples who had different fertility problems. But voila! Problem solved at xxx Fertility Center and now they have a bouncing baby.

Wouldn’t it be great if it really were that simple? Of course they neglect to mention that the process is tedious and tiresome – signing your life away on contract after contract, multiple tests & safeguards… all before the long & often painful treatment begins. And then when you get your bill…. holy mackerel. They actually have a financial counselor on staff which gives you an idea of the kind of dollar ticket we are talking about.

What I don’t understand is why they are targetting a sports radio station that primarily attracts men?

Stay the path

I have a little silver buddha on my keychain. It is a reminder to keep myself in check when I want to cheat and go off my “fertility plan”. ie: drink wine, eat white flour products (no crusty bread dunked in olive oil, sob!), eat seafood (doesn’t make sense, I know – but that’s what they told me). I’m pretty sure french fries are off the list. My goal is to get to a point where I look like my little buddha keychain. Everyday I follow the rules is another day of healthiness which will (hopefully) contribute to me achieving my goal.

Making like a pincushion

Okay, I know you all have been waiting with bated breath to hear all about my acupuncture experience, so I’ll put you all out of your misery.

Well, I survived. Seriously, it wasn’t that bad. Strange, but not unpleasant. A bit anticlimactic really.

My practitioner had me lay down on the cot in the doctor’s office (very clinical environment). First thing she did was take my pulse. “Great pulse!” she cheerily informed me. Cracks me up. Hello! I’m alive, just infertile.

In all casualness, she proceeded to stick these teeny-tiny needles in areas on my legs, feet, hands, ear and head (yes, you read that right, needles in my head!) Seriously, I could barely feel them going in… except for the one close to my ankle.

The worst part of the experience was having to lie on the cot for 25 minutes bored out of my skull. I am not a napper, so 25 minutes in the dark with nothing to do or think about is excruciating. I ended up singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” to myself.

Note to self: if this all pans out and we do end up with a real-life child of our own, totally use this experience as ammunition. ie: “I got needles stuck in me so you could be here today… now go wash my car.”

I hate needles

I do not like needles, however today I am going to get needles poked into me. I made the appointment a couple of weeks ago and it is finally sinking in that in a few short hours, someone will poke needles into me. What have I done?!?!

My girlfriend recently went for acupuncture and they put needles in her head (!!!) I’m not sure I’m ready for this.

Luckily, I have my “massage: just beforehand… please reference my previous blog post,
http://tinyurl.com/5pbptj

It’s gonna be a “fun” afternoon.

Not me

A worrywart is not something I’m known to be. I tend to let stuff wash over me and I’m not the type to let minor details get to me.

Today, I am finding myself in a worrisome mood, however. I am trying to pinpoint the problem and what is nagging at me. I know it has to do with an upcoming “consultation” at THE clinic.

This process is so slow and frustrating. Also, they have so many “rules” which only complicate things further.

But, what is my alternative?!?

We live in a baby-centric world

Has something changed in the world? I don’t recall there ever being a time when there was so much focus on babies. It’s an epidemic I tell you.

Am I right? or am I being hypersensitive cause I’m “trying”? My frame of reference may be a bit fuzzy in light of my situation.

This past weekend, it seemed like everywhere I went, all I saw were were happy mommies & daddies pushing strollers, bouncing babies decked out in Giants gear at the baseball game, babies smiling up at me as I pass by stores that craftily use the cutest thing on earth for their advertising campaigns. The first thing you see when you walk into Pottery Barn is their Baby Collection. There’s a new store that just opened up in Walnut Creek called “Day One Center”. It’s a go to spot for expectant parents who want to take classes, buy supplies, meet other expectant parents, and other mysterious activities. Clients pay a monthly subscription fee. Sounds like a scam to me… what’s wrong with the services at the local Hospital? Just curious.

I’m sure I will totally appreciate it when I finally get to the point when I actually have one of my own. Luckily I’m a sucker for a chubby, happy baby. I do love ’em and will never resist the opportunity to coo over a cutie pie. But sometimes it feels like a smack in the face reminder of what I don’t have.

A very different massage

I went for a massage today. I know what you are thinking, “lucky bitch, must be nice to skedaddle mid-day for some pampering.”

we-ll I must say this massage was probably more stressful than relaxing. It was a massage prescribed to me by a medical practitioner for fertility reasons to stimulate my system to act more “normal” ie: fertile.

I had no idea what to expect. Unlike typical massages, I didn’t have to get naked. Like typical massages, the room was dark. Unlike typical massages, I lay face up. Unlike typical massages, I was an active participant.

The first “exercise” my “masseuse” had me do is breathe in a totally unnatural way, through the stomach. I could not grasp how to do it until she told me to pretend I’m trying to blow up a helium balloon that is in my stomach. I finally got a hang of it.

Then, she proceeded to put pressure on each of my organs: the right kidney, left kidney, heart, liver, stomach and reproductive organs. With each organ, as she put pressure, there was a different way for me to breathe, a different color light to focus on, a different emotion to focus on releasing, and a different emotion to focus on bringing into the organ. For example, when she put pressure on my heart, I had to focus on red lights and during the exhale I had to vocally utter, “vuhhhhhhhh”. I can’t remember the different emotions but they were things like, focusing on releasing anxiety and impatience while focusing on obtaining kindness and generosity.

A year ago, I would have thought this was wavy gravy, hokey b.s. But I guess some might say I’m getting desperate!

She then put massaged with funny movements paying further attention to each of the organs, probably more similar to a typical massage but given the pressure was on vital organ parts, it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

The end of the massage was very nice, she massaged my neck and head, much like a normal massage.

I guess I’m sold cause I have an appointment for another next week!