Everyone’s an expert

Lately I’ve noticed a trend amongst friends & family who seem to believe they have “all the answers.”   It’s frustrating when they believe they know best… when in reality?  not so much.

I spent quite a bit of time planning a NYE celebration with friends.  Let me tell y’all, dealing with folks in the service industry is quite different from dealing with folks in the corporate world.  They say they will send you an email, they don’t.  They say they’ll call you back, they don’t.  After calling 25 or so restaurants in the city and virtually getting nowhere, I finally found a place where the receptionist provided thorough information and could accommodate our 10+ size group at a reasonable price… the restaurant gets great reviews as well.  All is good until I get feedback from the peanut gallery: “the restaurant is too far away” and “I want to be close to the water.”  Unfortunately you just can’t please everyone.  I decided to let someone else figure out plans, as I just don’t want to deal with the dissatisfaction.

Yesterday, I received an article forwarded to me from a friend.  The article suggested that first time home buyers should get going NOW.  I am sure this friend meant well, but really? does she know what is right for my husband and I right NOW?  Definitely not.  I am sure my annoyance is reactionary based on receiving so much unwarranted advice from family members, but I can’t help how I feel.

Sometimes I wish I could tell people to butt out.  Unfortunately I am too damn nice.  Is there a nice way to tell someone to butt out?

I passed the test!

So… this weekend I passed an important test.  Yesterday, a great friend of mine who is pregnant came out to visit with her husband.  I just love them, but there was a small part of me that was apprehensive about how I might feel when I saw her in her pregnant glory. 

I was a little worried that I might uncontrollably feel resentment, sadness, or jealousy in light of all of my fertility struggles.  Since becoming a real adult (arrived there sometime in my mid-twenties), I have not been the type of person who compares myself to others and especially my friends.  But, you just never know what the powers of the psyche may reveal. 

I am happy to report that I passed the test!  I took one look at her and I was filled with pure joy.  I am truly ecstatic for her and found myself wanting to hear as much as possible about her experience. 

It probably helps that this particular friend is fun & interesting on many levels.  Our conversations yesterday were about every topic under the sun, as usual.  I actually had to instigate her to talk about her pregnancy!  There is no doubt in my mind that she will NOT turn into one of those “baby mamas” who lose all ability to converse intelligently, and suddenly can only speak of diapers, daycare and baby registries.  No joke… I do know at least a few “baby mamas”.

Branded.

Those who know me know that I’m not one to let the little things get to me.  I don’t typically overanalyze glib comments…  life is too short to worry if someone meant something else when they said, “you look very healthy today” (as an example).

I received an email the other day… it’s still giving me grief.  The word, “childless”, was used to describe me and I didn’t really think twice about it until reflecting upon the email later on.  Obviously, this is a factual statement.  Why should it bother me?

Well, first of all, being childless is not necessarily a “by choice” trademark, at least in my situation.  Would you describe a cancer patient as “diseased”?

Second, there is a negative connotation anytime the word “less” is used.  I can’t help but feel that in the eyes of my friend, I am somehow deficient.  Others MAY view my state of being as a “more” rather than “less” situation.  Perhaps “lifefull” or “freedomfull” are more choice words to use?

Lastly – and I think this is the most disappointing – I felt very alienated by that statement.  US “childfull” gals are on this side of the room.  Aren’t we cool and normal and great?  Oh! poor you on the other side of the room, so lonely with the other sad childless people.  Wait… I’m having flashbacks of Prom night!  

I have always hoped my true friends will remain real to me through good times, bad times, and all the changes and evolutions we all encounter in life.  Don’t get me wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that I will continue to value my friendship with this anonymous emailer.  My level of sensitivity is sky high these days and things that I would normally not think twice about, I’m second guessing.

Now I’m off to partake in one of those activities that only childless people can truly appreciate…

living my life for me.

The power of generosity

I need to blog about something that has really been bothering me. Something happened over the past week that I recognize is a pattern with me.

I am the type of person who is extremely trusting and willing to give almost anyone the benefit of the doubt. My mother was my strongest role-model and influence growing up. She taught me the power of generosity – this applies to material items as well as generosity in the spiritual, emotional sense. I look at it as a positive, back to basics approach to treating others as you want others to treat you. Like throwing coins in the karma fountain. Those who reciprocate and share in this philosophy are the ones to hold on to. Those who take advantage of your generosity are the ones to let go.

I’m noticing that at times, this personality trait of mine does me no good. The reality is there are people (probably the majority of this world) who take advantage of good-natured, generous souls. I have been burned many times and each time the experience affects me deeply. I find it really hard to comprehend that others aren’t “like me”. Sounds egotistical but I think I cherish this trait of mine and don’t want to change. It bums me out that the more times I get burned, the more inclined I am to become more protective of myself and less generous.

I can only learn from my mistakes. As I advance in age, I find it easier to pinpoint those people quicker than in the past. Luckily the people who are closest to me share in this philosophy and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life.

Good things happen to good people (sometimes)

I learned today that a great friend of mine who I do not see often enough is going to be a daddy.

I feel privileged to be one of only a few to learn the good news. His excitement was obvious from his email and there is no doubt in my mind that he’ll be a great daddy.

I have not met his partner but I know that she is someone very special. The last time I saw my friend, he had many questions for me about the time when Pete and I had broken up for a 6 month period (many many years ago, before we were married, of course). He also mentioned that he was back in touch with this gal.

I recall thinking, “hmmmm…” and sure enough a couple of months later, they were back together with plans to get serious.

My friend is a great guy who has been single much of the time I’ve known him. He is the IT Director at a company where I used to work at. I know first hand his dedication to work, his commitment to excellence and his never ending desire to improve the company.

As a friend, I appreciate his kindness, generosity, and loyalty…. And, he has a fantastic sense of humor.

This baby will be something else, and I am very excited for the family.

Bright Spot

Top 3 things that made me happy this weekend:

1. Friday night drinks with great girlffriends at the St. Regis — the lobby bar is just so elegant, I always feel so fancy here.

1. Omar Vizquel back in the line-up baby. I have the biggest crush on this guy. : )
http://tinyurl.com/5v96ky

2. Chill out Sunday afternoon lunch with my favorite people at one of my favorite new joints, Sideboard.
http://tinyurl.com/69yj5w

Monday Monday

No… I didn’t win the lottery. C’mon now…You KNOW I would not be sitting here at my desk at 8:40am writing in my Blog if I HAD won. ; )

Anyways, it’s Monday morning. Mondays are always the worst for me as the long week ahead seems so daunting and unsurmountable.

Luckily I tend to pack things in over the weekend… and as usual, it was a satisfying weekend full of fun, time with friends, chill out time with Pete & Lucy and as much outdoor activity as I could handle, given it was oh so COLD. I got used to the 85 degree weather we experienced the previous weekend and I’m quick to get spoiled.

Saturday night, Pete & I attended a Passover Seder. We felt very honored to be invited to a family event. I had never been to a Seder before, so I assumed it would be a very religious experience.

If you have never been to a Jewish Seder, it’s a ritualistic ceremony commemorating the freedom of slaves in Egypt and the liberation of Israelites. There are rules regarding what is acceptable to eat and the event follows a procedure that is dictated in a book called the “Haggadeh”. Certain foods are eaten in a special sequence symbolizing aspects of the historical event. For example, at one point, we ate matzo with “mortar” — symbolizing the mortar the Jews had used to build pyramids. This mortar was a ground paste made from almonds, berries and other items. It was quite tasty… kind of reminded me oatmeal. Everyone participated in the ceremony, reading passages from the Haggadeh at designated times. The main purpose of the Seder is to ensure the younger generations retain the Jewish History and tradition. Considering everyone is an active participant, I am sure young children learn and retain the knowledge as they participate year by year.

I had no idea that this would be one of the most fun Holiday events I had experienced in a long time! Of course, I do believe the reason why it was such fun is our hostesses are very non-traditional Jews. They are also quite easy going with a great senses of humor. The family members all joked and laughed heartily during the entire 3 hour event. This was no somber event.

Oh, and the food was DELICOUS!

baby mamas vs. non-baby mamas

I’m making a conscious effort to get emails out to Kathy more frequently (see previous blog entry).

I just received an email from her and I had to highlight stuff that she wrote. Kathy has an amazing way of wording things so you go, “that’s exactly what I meant!” – must be her Marketing background.

“…my eggs are mine, and yours are yours, and I am always happy when sperms and eggs meet successfully – it gives me hope. Nobody gets pregnant just to show someone else up. And one person getting pregnant doesn’t mean there are less pregnancy opportunities for other people….”

Kathy and I have had many discussions around how people in this world seem to think it is quite acceptable to ask about baby plans pretty much immediately upon a married couple’s return from their honeymoon. The Honeymoon return occurred many years ago for both of us… so you can imagine the number of times we’ve fielded the question.

Guess a couples’ sexual behavior and activity is now a public topic for discussion. Not to mention, how does anyone know that the couple hasn’t just miscarried, or perhaps learned that they are infertile? I could see myself bursting out in tears if that were the case.

In addition, we’ve noticed some interesting behavior amongst the women in our network of friends.

The ones who have gotten pregnant and had babies, seem to have risen to a new level of existence than us non-baby mamas. These gals meet up for playdates and have their own secret language that revolves around their respective babies, breast feeding, elite preschools, etc, etc.

Olive branch emails and voicemail messages sent by the non-baby mamas to the baby mamas go unreturned. After all, we are lowly non-baby mamas…. we certainly don’t deserve the respect of a response. Silly me!

It will be interesting to see how things progress as baby mamas children grow up and non-baby mamas become baby mamas….

Guess the moral of the story is we are all evolving, constantly changing individuals, and friends come and go.

I am thinking that my true friends will still be worth sending olive branch emails to when I’m old and gray.

Different forms of therapy

My friend Kathy found my blog the other day. I got an email from her that read, “I see now why I haven’t been getting emails that reveal your deepest thoughts as often, cause you’ve been blogging instead”. DOH! Busted.

I emailed her right back to say, “not to worry, Blogging sure ain’t no replacement for YOU!” (what a shmoozer I am, huh?) But really, and I said this to her… I have really enjoyed my past month or so of blogging. It’s a good break and gives me something else to focus on – besides work – during the day.

I made a promise to myself to create at least one blog entry each weekday. I find myself thinking about what I should write while on my daily walk with Lucy… Much of the time I write pure crap, but I try to mix it up with postings that are meaningful or speak from the heart.

The title of my blog is “random thoughts from a random mind”. Seriously, ideas and topics pop into my brain at random times, and it’s great to be able to get these thoughts out and onto the great information highway.

I really have Ayelet to thank for my “new form of therapy”. If it wasn’t for her inspirational and pretty amazing Blog, I would not have had the motivation to get mine back in shape.

The reality is my email conversations with Kathy are another form of therapy for me. Over the past 10 years or so, Kathy and I have had an email correspondence that is truly special. I’m talking multiple paragraphs at a time. Sometimes we’d write back and forth to each other 2 or 3 times a day… now we’re lucky to get 2 or 3 emails a week from each other.

Back then, we were single, so our discussions revolved around boys, happy hours, dating rules, etc. Now as two happily married and childless women, our conversations are a bit different. Nowadays we talk about the baby vs. non-baby divide we are starting to notice amongst our group of friends, our careers, and how we don’t have nearly as much time these days to write to each other (see…. it’s not just me and my blog!)

I will always treasure this relationship I have with a great friend who I do not get a chance to see often enough, but I always know what’s going on in her life and vice versa.

Hopefully this entry doesn’t fall into the “crap” category! : )

Definition of a friend

I’ve been browsing Wikipedia today, trying to find some inspiration to write about. Here is a good definition of friendship. My great friends definitely meet the criteria. When’s National Friendshp Day? Does that exist?

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis:
the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
sympathy and empathy,
honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart
mutual understanding.